Why they go cold right when you get close


You’re finally connecting.

Things feel warm, open, intimate.

And then—They shut down.

No warning.

No explanation.

Just silence.

Most people assume this means disinterest, selfishness, or worse—emotional immaturity.

But there’s something deeper going on here.

Something that isn’t about you at all.

Avoidants don’t pull away because they don’t care.

They pull away because they do.

Their nervous system sees connection as a threat.

Their body doesn’t register closeness as comfort—it registers it as danger.

So the moment things start to feel real, their brain sounds the alarm:

Get out.

Withdraw.

Shut down.

This isn’t personal.

It’s physiological.

But if you don’t understand this, you’ll keep making it about you.

You’ll try harder, push more, or shut down yourself.

And the cycle continues.

No one teaches you how to read these patterns—let alone how to respond to them.

More on that soon.

Matus

P.S. The Life Designers community is currently closed, but if you want to join the waitlist for early access and upcoming insights, just reply with “waitlist.”

P.P.S: And if you're interested in a deep dive about Avoidants, check out my YouTube video below:

video preview

Love Leaders | Secure Love You Deserve

Daily Insight on How to Attract and Keep Secure Love You Deserve Without Abandoning Yourself, Chasing Your Partner, or Endless Therapy.

Read more from Love Leaders | Secure Love You Deserve

When my wife broke up with me a few years ago, I thought I was doing all the “right” things. I talked it out. I tried to stay “mature.” I kept myself busy. I told myself time would heal it. It didn’t. Looking back now, I can see I was making the same 5 mistakes I now see almost everyone make after a breakup. Not because we’re stupid. Because no one ever told us what not to do. I didn’t know these were mistakes. I thought they were helping. In reality, they were quietly feeding the craving and...

Hypnosis Isn’t Just for Love. It’s for Money Too. And what I’m about to say might surprise you. Most people know me for helping others build security in love: calming the anxious, softening the avoidant, and rebuilding emotional safety. But what most don’t realize is this: Financial stress activates the same nervous system patterns as attachment stress. The same spiral that makes you chase or withdraw in love… also makes you overwork, hoard, or panic when it comes to money. I’ve seen it over...

This photo means everything to me: This is my son, Martin. Born on February 5th this year. His smile is what peace looks like. And if you show up to the masterclass on Friday, it’s what you’ll look like after it, too. But here’s the truth most people don’t know: Martin wouldn’t exist if I hadn’t completely rebuilt myself. 4 years ago, my marriage ended. The love was real, but the relationship was not working. I was full of shame, anger, confusion. And no idea how to come back from it. That’s...